Who do I find at the End of My Road? Chuck Norris That’s Who

I woke up this afternoon with a hangover thanks to Xtiane’s graduation celebration last night. While I was lying on my bed, I realized what I didn’t appreciate when school ended, or when I walked up the stage to shake Father Nebres’ hand during the commencement exercises. It dawned on me that it WAS over. I also realized that I can be such a hypocrite (or a lying sack of shit if you prefer) sometimes. I always told anyone who would listen to me for 2 seconds that I couldn’t wait to graduate, that I couldn’t wait to finally haul my ass out of the Ateneo after 6 long years. But I didn’t feel any satisfaction at that moment, lying on my bed realizing I’ve come to the end of a proverbial road. Shit, I didn’t even feel relief. What I felt, cheesy as it may sound, was this big black empty hole inside my chest. I finally graduated and I can honestly say that I am going to miss going to Ateneo. I’m going to miss CTC 208, the caf, even the shitty excuse for a building that is Faura. But what I am really gonna miss are the people (shit ang cheesy to the max na nito ah) who one way or another, made my life interesting (friends, classmates, teachers, the pretty girls with mini skirts, even the doobie guys who chill along the SEC walkway). I probably won’t see most of them for a very long time. I made some great friends during the last six years, and we probably are going to keep in touch (sana naman! Walang kalimutan mga peeps!), but we no longer are going to hang out in school, eat lunch in the caf or buy cheese dog sandwiches in the “Satellite Caf” (kahit na nagkikita kita ang mga friends, iba parin ung nag ha hang out sa school). Thinking about being unable to do the things I took for granted for so long makes me feel like crap.

Shit! This is the first and last time I’m going to admit it. I am going to miss the Ateneo; Saying that I hated my stay is a load of bullshit. I’m going to miss my friends. I loved and hated graduation day at the same time. I enjoyed every hot, humid second of it. If I were given the chance to live my college life again I would (sans the tests, oral exams and hell weeks kung pwede. Ha-ha).

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Okaaay. Tama na cheesy stuff. Bring in some funnies!!! After feeling mildly depressed, I picked myself up and decided to surf the net. A friend of mine recently told me about Chuck Norris jokes circulating around the net (blogs, forums email etc.). He said that the jokes were really funny. So I decided to check them out. I googled “Chuck Norris Jokes” and found the most comprehensive site and started reading. Were they funny? Let’s just say that after the 6th or 7th joke, tears were literary falling from my eyes because of hysterical laughter. I’m gonna post some of them below (sobra tip of the ice berg mga ‘to, sobra dami e). Before reading, I advice that you read not just one, but a lot of them because these jokes are like beer; hinde pwede isang inom lang, kelangan uminom ka ng marami para masarapan ka.



Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have
a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in
every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just
bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly
says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in
the face.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
her into a glacier.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift
of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer.
This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt
to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came
back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he
threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her
a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

if you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

Okay ba? I know the jokes are not for everyone. But I think people who at least have an inkling as to whom Chuck Norris is will find them funny. if you wanna check out more Chuck Norris Fun, check this site:
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

Fun with Mike and Friends

I’ve posted a few stories about myself on this blog. Most of them (if not all of them) are about me making a fool of myself. I don’t know why, time and again I get myself in those kinds of situations where I make myself look like a damn fool. Maybe because I enjoy telling everyone else about it afterwards haha!!! Or… maybe I just talk too much. Whatever.

In any case, this post is gonna be different. It’s not just gonna be about me. This post is my list of the 10 funniest stories (na di ko pa na post, until now that is) that me and my friends were part of. What’s different is that most of these stories are funny NOT because of me, but because of THEM. Why am I posting them? I guess its time to give credit where credit is due. I can’t be the only fount of funniness now can I? So, here it goes (the list is in chronological order by the way):

1. Oooooh! Lookie! A White Board Marker!
Cast: Mike, Joem and Mesi
-Once upon a time in High School, Joem, Mesi and I where at National Book Store (why we were there, I can’t remember), when we saw a Marker next to a White Board. Being the uber talented artists that we were, we took the marker and started doodling all over the white board. If a marker’s next to a white board, it has to be a white board marker right? Nuh-uh. One of those NBS guys spotted us and figured we were juveniles who get a kick out of writing “I was Here” on whiteboards using permanent ink. He wanted us to pay for the blasted thing. We didn’t have enough cash. Bottomline, Joem bought a bottle of alcohol, which we used to clean up our mess.

2. ES 10. First Class
Cast: Mike and the Chinese Mafia (sans Tay and Kabo)
-During my first year in college, I took Environmental Science 10 with mah peeps. During the first day of class, the teacher asked us “Why we chose ES 10 as our Nat. Sci. subject. Our classmates gave the BS answers (“I want to learn about the environment blah blah blah yackity schmackity”) When it was my turn to speak, I said:

Mike:Ma’am, nagenroll ako sa ES kasi sabi ni Stan, pag hindi daw ako nag ES ‘di na kami magkaibigan.

Darn, Charles and Yerx said the same thing. We made Stan out to be some posse’s big cheese. Haha. Apparently the teacher bought it. She probably thought that if stan could control loud mouths like us (not to mention ang lalaking mama ni darn and charles), he must be a bully.

3. ES 10 Filmviewing
Cast: Mike and Darn
-Darn and some guys cut some of their classes to watch a Joyce Jimenez movie (Big pa dati si Joyce XD). We met up during our ES class and I asked them:

Mike:O, kamusta ung movie?
Darn: Pangit! ‘di ako na-satisfy

Apparently, he wasn’t satisfied kasi wala mashado shots ng boobies ni Joyce Jimenez. It just so happened that we were going to watch a movie in class too. It was about saving the rain forest or something (kalimutan ko na ung title). One of the scenes from the movie showed some natives. These natives where the I-don’t-care-if-my-boobies-are-showing type of natives. With a voice just loud enough for EVERYONE to hear, I said:

Mike: O, yan Darn! Satisfied ka na ba!?

Everyone laughed. Si Darn namula na parang kamatis! Hehe.

4. Atras Mo! Atras Mo!
Cast: Mike and JC
-JC, Stan and I were walking along Father Masterson’s Drive coming from Katipunan (sa may gate 3). While crossing the street, this car came speeding towards us. He stopped just in time to plant one his wheels on JC’s foot. After a few seconds, the guy rolls down his window, looks JC, whose face was contorted in agony, up and down and asks:

Man: Okay ka lang
JC: (answering back in obvious frustration and agony) Atras Mo! Atras Mo!

5. Para Mama!
Cast: Mike and Lana
-I left martin’s birthday party, where I got extremely drunk, with Lana. We ended up waiting for taxis along katipunan when I saw headlights which I figured belonged to a taxi. I flagged the vehicle down while trying my best not to fall flat on my face on the side of the road when:

Lana: Mike, ba’t mo pina-para ung truck?
Mike: (incoherent mumbling).

The truck passes by. Oops. Could’ve sworn it was a cab.
Oh yeah. On my way home, I puked myself silly on the back of the cab I was riding.

6. Spirit of the Glass
Cast: Mike and Xtiane
-During one of our drinking sessions in JM’s house, he coerced us to play spirit of the glass. Since it was his house, I reluctantly agreed. If there was one word to describe spirit of the glass, it would be “Bullox”. The damn glass moves because one person or another makes it move (on purpose or not). Xtiane proved me right. We all had our eyes closed and we had our fingertips on the glass that was supposed to move. After a few moments:

Xtiane: (with her eyes closed) O, gumagalaw na ung glass!

I opened my eyes

Mike: Eh hindi mo naman hawak ung glass eh!

She was moving her hand this way and that while the glass was sitting idly on the board. XD

7. Steamed Sashimi
Cast: Mike, Tay and the rest of the gang
-After watching a movie, the gang and I decided to have dinner. We ate in this obscure Japanese place in glorietta. We all ordered the same thing, a bento meal that had rice, tempura (I think) and sashimi. Apparently, Tay doesn’t do raw fish. He calls the waitress and says:

Tay: Uh miss, pwede ba ipaluto ‘to?

The waitress was like “what the hell?!” The rest of us laughed throughout the meal. Oh yeah, they didn’t cook his sashimi. Apparently, they don’t accept requests from customers to have their sashimi steamed, fried or whatever.

8. If we hold on Together…
Cast: Mike LaC and Loza
-I went with LaC and friends to this resort in Batangas. While we were swimming in the pool, they all decided rather spontaneously to hold hands and walk to the deep and of the pool singing “If we hold on together” (the land before time theme) to show faith and trust that we wouldn’t let each other drown. LaC and Loza can’t swim. Talk about trusting in your friends right? Wrong.

Everyone: If we hold on… together. I know our dreams will never die…

We weren’t even close to the deep end when the two of them (LaC and Loza) broke formation and fought over a rubber ball like two crazed lunatics to serve as a make shift life saver.

9. Richard Reynoso
Cast: Mike and Richard
-After watching Sin City at Shangrila, Richard and I were chillin’ watching the rest of the people exit the theater when we saw none other than Ding Dong Avanzado and Jessa Zaragosa.

Richard: (in a loud mocking voice) Mike! Mike! SI RICHARD REYNOSO!! (he then starts to sing) Hindi ko kaya, ang Limutin Kita! Masdan mo, lumuluha ang aking mga mata!

Being the good friend that I am, I laugh my ass off! Dunno if they heard us, but it was damn funny!

10. Atenista ‘To!
Cast: Mike and Edson
-Edson and I were with another OJT doing MMS tests in a Mc Donald’s in SM Ayala. The OJT, Princess was an ECE student from UST, and boy was she pretty. Sha ung tipo na maganda tapos alam nya maganda sha, pero in a good way. She doesn’t come off as stuck up, mayabang or anything. She’s real nice. Anyways, naglolokohan kami sa Mc Donald’s.

Princess: Edson, libre mo naman ako ng French fries.
Edson: Wala ako pera eh.
Princess: Mike, libre mo naman ako ng French fries.
Mike: Siguro, sa UST, pag sinabi mo sa isang guy na ilibre ka ng French fries, mabilis pa sa umaga. Ililibre ka nya no?
Princess: Oo naman.
Mike: Pwes, ibahin mo kami! Atenista mga ‘to! Di porke’t maganda ka ililibre ka namin ng French fries. Iba ‘toh!!!


Oi, pero, naglolokohan lang kami nun ha. Wala seryosohan. Haha! :D

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So there! Props to my friends for making my life interesting!

Graduation Stuff Circa 2004

I was browsing through some of my stuff this afternoon, looking through old books, drawings and other personal belongings when I came upon my yearbook stuff when I got one during my fourth year of college (kahit na 2 more years pa bago ako actually mag graduate XD haha). I found my yearbook write up, my gradpic and my creative pic. Since my actual graduation is just around the corner, I’m posting my graduation stuff here.

Write-Up

If there’s one person you should know in your stay in the Ateneo, its Mike. I mean, he’s so cool kaya. He’s got it all, the smarts, insurmountable artistic talent and dashing good looks. Not to mention he’s so kind and merciful too! I remember one time someone was making asar him for spending 6 years in college, instead of beating him up with his mad kung fu skillz, he just let it slide. I asked him why, and you know what he said? He said “I believe that the first test of a truly great man is his humility. Really great men have a curious feeling that the greatness is not in them but through them. And they see something divine in every other man and are endlessly, incredibly merciful” I was like so amazed. Mike changed my life so much that I gave myself to him body and soul. I am his devout servant, I worship the very ground he walks on. Mike is so galling that he was voted “Person most likely to establish his own country”. Long live Mike!!!

Ahem… So here’s my gradpic:



I was so pissed with this photo ‘cause I forgot to shave.

Here’s my creative pic:



Guess who I am? To give you guys a hint, I’m a character from Greek mythology

Ahhh… looking through my write-up and pictures sure brought back a lot of memories (snif).

Saguijo

I went to Saguijo last night with some of my friends (Jm, Martin and Xtiane). Kaya di ako nakasama kina Tay manood ng Fearless. Haha. Besides, I already watched the flick, and since I can safely assume that they watched it too, I can go ahead and say that Jet Li kicks the bucket (sobra cliché pa, how do you kill mega kung-fu man? Poison of course! Man don’t they ever learn?).

Anyhoo back to Saguijo, to those who don’t know what the heck Saguijo is, it’s this old decrepit building (I think house is a better word) hidden amongst the hustle and bustle of the Makati Business District where OPM bands play their music. Is it me or do OPM bands tend to congregate in places that look like God forsaken hell holes? Why can’t they play in snazzier places (but if they did, malamang mas mahal ung entrance fee, so…) like the Manila Hotel, or Edsa Shang (imagine, orange and lemons kicking it, in Edsa Shang… Nyahahahaha!)?

There where a lot of bands that night that I didn’t even know existed, but there where a couple that I at least heard about, namely; Urbandub, Chicosci and Stonefree. I should probably mention that though I have heard of Urbandub and Chicosci, I couldn’t tell you what songs they play and how they look like. That’s why when the opening band was setting up, I turned to Martin and asked him in all seriousness;

“Sikat ba yan?”

He thought that nangagago lang ako so naki ride naman sha; “Oo, sikat yan!” It seems that Saguijo wanted to start things off big, ‘cause the band I was asking about was Urbandub. Haha! Kakahiya naman ako, sana wala ibang nakarinig sa akin. So it went like this, when a new band would start setting up, itatanong ko lagi “sikat bay yan?” Eventually na realize din ni Martin na di ako nangagago hahahaha!!

Aside from that, another embarrassing thing happened to me while I was there ‘cause of my big mouth. Jm met some of his friends there, and he introduced us to this girl (who was kinda cute). Anyway, I heard that a band was going to play called “Narda”. I found this funny so I started blurting out;

“Narda?! Diba Kamikaze un!? Request tayo sa Narda na kumanta ng Narda! Wahahaha!!!”

Little did I know that the frontman of Narda was a frontwoman; the girl who Jm introduced to us, who was in close proximity to me when I was flapping my gums and making a fool of myself. Shit. Stupid Jm... should have said something dammit. After they played, the frontwoman came up to Jm and said that they were going already. Before she left she said to us:

“Guys, thanks for coming, kahit alam ko naman na hindi kami ang pinunta nyo dito…”

I hope she didn’t say this because she overheard my stupid comments. Buti nalng nakainom nako, may palusot ako as to why I was bright red. XD

After a few more bands, Chicosci hit the stage. If I could think of one word to describe them, it would be:

Angas

Pota, lupit pala ng band na to! And to think Ateneo band pala sila dati and ngayon ko lang sila narinig. Angas nung frontman! He really reminded me of those Japanese rockstars I see on animax. It was his look (anime hair, eye shadow, and he was wearing this glove-like-thing that stretched to his fore arm), muka talaga hapon. He reminded me of the frontman ng larc en ciel (Japanese band):



I wasn’t going to be surprised kung tumugtog bigla ung guitar riff ng Driver’s High and kinanta nya bigla ung GTO theme song. Haha! Anyways, they did something better, nag cover sila ng OPM song:

Lagi nalang umuulan
Parang wala katapusan
Jan jan jan jan.....
Blah Blah Blah

…….

La la la la la la laaaaaaahhh!!!
Tuwing Umuulaaaaan!!!

Bwahahahaha!!! Eto talaga ung nag steal ng show for me!! Chicoshe Rox!!! Woooo Hoooo!!!! Hindi na Sponge Cola fave Ateneo band ko! Bwahahahaha!!!

After a couple of bands, tumugtog narin ung stonefree, ung pinakahihintay ng stonefuh-reak ng group namin (haha, cno kaya un!? Hmmm… :D). I always thought that stonefree performed well live. Pero n’ labo, iniba iba nila ung songs na tinugtog nila, they changed the beat, tune and even the lyrics. They even inserted some verses from the song "Time after time" ("if you fall I will catch you... blah blah, time after time") It was like Stonefree: The Remix. In my opinion, the only musicians who have the license to remix their own songs are the ones who really make it big. This begs the question:

“Sikat ba yan?”

Haha!

And the Answer Is...

Keira Knightley!!!

Congratulations to Jamie Zamodio for proving my mad photoshop skillz...
Email mo ung pic mo and i photoshop ko...

Conditions for the Prize
1. Dapat i post mo sa blog mo (advertising hihihi), and dapat sabihin mo ako gumawa nyahahaha!!

2. Dapat me caption: "gawa ni mike na mas magaling kay elbert sa lahat ng bagay, lalo na sa pag drawing". nyahahahaha!!!

Thanks to Tay for his constructive criticism (bah)
No thanks to the know-it-all, kabo, for bashing my fantastiglorious work. malamang inggit lang yan, kasi sha, di nya kaya gumawa ng ganyan. bleh!!!

Guess Who!

i've been playing around with adobe photoshop a lot again lately. I made some more "toons" of real people. Here's one of them:



So... in order to test my mad photoshop skillz, i'd like to know how many people actually recognize the person whose picture i messed around with. Sort of a contest, who guesses the right person wins! Yipeeeee (oi JM, di ka pwede sumali XD)!!! Who ever wins gets a priceless prize (priceless prize! haha!) courtesy of the Republic of Michaelandia!